Relationship Needs: A Psychologist Explains How to Get Them Met

In a relationship, you have needs and wants, which aren’t always the same. Properly exploring what you want and need (and then discussing it) is the key to creating a deeper connection and maintaining a healthy relationship. How can you get a clearer idea of what you need from your partner? And how can you get these relationship needs met? In this article, OpenUp psychologist Eva Rüger explains more.

The difference between needs and wants

“It all begins with our basic needs,” explains Eva Rüger. “As humans, we all have the same basic needs, such as food, water, and shelter. Different levels of human needs are organised hierarchically in a well-known pyramid by Maslow, but they all share the same two characteristics. The first is that they are universal; in other words, not specific to an individual. The second is that they are necessary for survival.”

So, what’s the difference between needs and wants? “A want is something you desire or long for as an individual, so it’s specific to you. What you want in life will be influenced by your (cultural) background and personality, in contrast to your needs that are universal and therefore the same for everybody. Something that you want isn’t necessarily something you need to survive, for example a new phone, a different job, or a second winter coat.”

So, are wants less important than needs?

“Absolutely not,” says Eva. “It’s essential to know what you want and actively work toward it. This pursuit gives you motivation, energy, and a sense of fulfilment. At the same time, understanding the difference between what you need and what you want is crucial. It helps you focus your time and energy more effectively—first on necessities, then on desires.”

Being able to make this distinction also puts things into perspective, especially when you’re uncertain about what you truly want. Eva explains, “Disappointment often comes from not getting what you want. But taking a step back can be helpful. Ask yourself: Do I really need this? Is there another way to achieve the same outcome?”

The difference between wants and needs in a relationship

In a relationship, there’s also a difference between wants and needs. “A need is something that is required to make a relationship work in the long term, while a want is something we’d like to see or get from our partner, and it doesn’t necessarily need to be fulfilled to have a successful relationship,” explains Eva.

Here it’s also important to be aware of the differences. “Confusing needs and wants can put an unnecessary amount of strain on a relationship. Consider a phrase like: ‘I want you to tell me you love me’. You’d like to hear these words (a want), although the need underlying this is needing to feel loved and to experience affection or connection. This need doesn’t necessarily have to be fulfilled with these exact words, there are lots of other ways.”

Basic relationship needs

For most people, core relationship needs often include:

• Affection: the way we use words, gentle touches, and those small gestures that remind us we’re loved. It’s the steady reminder that you matter, even in the small moments of daily life.
• Acceptance and validation: being truly seen and heard, and knowing you’re valued just as you are. This kind of foundation lets you show up as yourself, without feeling the need to pretend or change.
• Empathy and understanding: feeling that your partner truly gets where you’re coming from. This helps you feel supported and brings a sense of connection to everyday life.
• Honest communication: being able to talk openly about what’s on your mind and in your heart. Having these kinds of conversations brings clarity and helps keep small misunderstandings from growing into bigger issues.
• Autonomy: having the space to be yourself, and to go after your own goals too.
  A healthy relationship supports your independence just as much as it celebrates your time together.
• Trust and emotional safety: knowing you can be yourself, without worrying about being judged. When you feel safe in this way, it’s easier to open up about your thoughts, worries, and hopes.
• Appreciation: feeling noticed and valued for what you bring to the relationship.
  Even small moments of gratitude can strengthen your bond, and help love feel more balanced.
• Shared meaning: having values, goals, or a sense of purpose that you hold together. This gives your relationship direction and helps you move through changes as a team.

Communicating your relationship needs and wants is essential

Although our needs are universal, the way we want them to be fulfilled may vary from person to person. And the situation or phase of the relationship will play a role. Our wants are also dynamic and constantly changing. This means it’s essential to communicate well so that you can stay on the same page.

Eva explains, “Romantic books and movies often create the illusion that everything in a relationship just falls into place; that you’ll instinctively understand each other’s needs and wants. But in reality, that’s rarely the case. No one can read minds, and we shouldn’t expect our partners to. We’re all individuals with unique personalities and backgrounds, which shape our perspectives on relationships. That’s why open communication is so crucial in bridging those differences and ensuring both partners feel understood and valued.

📚 Top tip: A lovely book that explains the different ways we can show and understand love and affection is ‘The 5 Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman.

How to get what you need in a relationship

If you want to talk about your wants and needs, you first need to really know what you want. Then it all comes down to the moment, the setting, and the way that you communicate. How can you do this well?

1. Know what you want to say

Eva: “First it’s really important to properly explore and figure out your wants and needs. Can you distinguish between the things you really need in your relationship and those that you want? Which needs underlie your wants; what’s going on at a deeper level?

A real-life example: “A client of mine was always triggered when her partner left her waiting, even if it was only for a few minutes. At first, he found that difficult to understand because: what difference does a few minutes make?

But when she thought about this more deeply, she realised it gave her the impression that her time wasn’t as valuable as his. By really feeling and exploring this, she better understood her need to feel valued and that helped her to discuss this properly with her partner.”

When doing this, don’t just think about what you don’t like or what’s missing in your relationship, but also reflect on the things you do like. Eva: “When do you feel grateful, loved or appreciated?

This will give you insight into what you maybe want more of and what is working for you (and your partner). When you come at it from a positive angle, this topic also becomes more pleasant to broach.”

2. Choose a good moment for the conversation

“Timing is important, but it’s not always easy to find the right moment. It’s good to have the conversation when you both have plenty of space to talk about it. After all, these topics are essential to your relationship. You don’t want to just squeeze the conversation in amongst your daily chores.

It helps to let your partner know in advance that you’d like to have a meaningful conversation and why. Choose a setting where you both feel comfortable and ensure you have the mental space to truly listen to each other. That way, the conversation becomes more open, thoughtful, and constructive.

3. Communicate openly, curiously, and respectfully

“You need to vocalise your needs and wants in an environment where both parties feel safe and comfortable. Be curious, and understanding, and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. How will your partner feel about hearing your perspective? What’s going on with them? How will this conversation bring the two of you closer to each other?”

You’re talking about your wants and needs because you want your relationship to succeed and for both of you to feel good. So, aim for a non-confrontational or non-accusatory communication style; talk about what you need instead of saying what is wrong with the other person.

🔖 Book tip: Non-violent Communication by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg teaches you to say what you want and to listen to what the other person is saying. A valuable and also practical book.

The fact that your wants and needs are not being met (yet) doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s something wrong with your relationship. There’s a good chance that your partner isn’t aware of what’s going on inside your head.

Go into the conversation with the assumption that your partner – not just you – has the best of intentions and that they want the best for your relationship. That’s a wonderful foundation for a good, respectful conversation and it maximises your chance of achieving a positive outcome.”

💡These tips can help you handle difficult conversations: How to Have a Difficult Conversation with Somebody

“We’ve already seen that needs can be fulfilled in many ways and that everybody is different, so consider that when having these conversations. Be curious, listen closely and keep an open mind. That’s the only way to get closer to each other.”

It’s always worth taking the time to understand each other when you’re in a relationship. That applies to any relationship.