You know the moment. You want something. A goal, a change, a chance to grow. You tell yourself this is the time you’ll follow through. And then, somehow, you don’t.
Maybe you procrastinate until the deadline passes.
Maybe you talk yourself out of applying for something you actually want.
Maybe you lose motivation right before making meaningful progress.
In this article, we look at what self-sabotage really is, why it happens, how it often begins long before adulthood and how you can gently shift the patterns rather than blame yourself for them.
Your inner saboteur
Most of us know that familiar inner voice that gets in the way just when we’re trying to move forward. It might sound like, “You could just stay home,” when you planned to go to he gym, or “let’s start tomorrow,” when you’ve already promised yourself today would be different. You want to reach your goal, yet you notice yourself resisting, hesitating or doing the very thing that leads you further away from it.
Self-sabotage is what happens when you stand in your own way. Sometimes it’s deliberate, but more often it’s unconscious. You create obstacles that protect you from discomfort in the moment, even though they make it harder to get where you actually want to go.
It often begins with good intentions. You want to make a meaningful change and suddenly feel the pressure to get it right. Something that started as a source of excitement, like going to the gym, starts to feel heavy or obligatory. Black-and-white thinking creeps in:
“I didn’t go yesterday, so I probably won’t go today.”
“I skipped this month, so next month will be a write-off too.”
Over time, self-sabotage keeps you from the things you care about most. And that doesn’t just affect your progress. It can take a toll on your mental well-being too, feeding frustration, guilt, low confidence and even symptoms of anxiety and depression.
Why do we get in our own way?
Self-sabotage can have many roots, but it often begins with fear. Fear of failing, fear of change, fear of being seen too clearly. When something matters to us, the pressure rises, and our instinctive response may be to pull back. Avoidance is a common form of self-protection, even when it looks like procrastination or indecision on the surface.
If you’re afraid of failure, you might stop yourself from applying for a promotion you know you want. If change feels overwhelming, you may delay taking steps that would actually help you grow, like searching for a new job or signing up for a course. As a result, procrastination often appears here.
OpenUp psychologist Paul Hessels explains this well:
“For many people, self-sabotage is a way of avoiding failure. We make things much bigger in our minds: ‘If I slip during my presentation, people will see that I can’t do it and I’ll get fired.’ Sometimes we make it so big that we stop daring to put ourselves in certain situations. We might decide never to present again, even though it is important for our personal or professional development.”
Perfectionism and fear of failure often fuel this pattern. When your expectations for yourself sit unrealistically high, or you fear making mistakes, you may set goals that are almost impossible to reach. And when you inevitably fall short, the disappointment reinforces the belief that you’re the problem. This can lead you to set the bar even higher next time, which keeps the cycle going.
Handling uncertainty
A negative self-image can also lead to self-sabotage. When we feel uncertain or don’t think we can do something, we’re more likely to get in our own way. The reason is that it’s less embarrassing to fail if we know we haven’t given our best.
“Somebody with self-sabotaging thoughts will think: ‘If I don’t try my best, I know I’m going to fail. But at least I’ll be prepared for it. I won’t be failing because I can’t do it; it’ll be because I didn’t try my best,” explains Paul. We’re trying to gain control in an uncertain situation.
Self-sabotage at work
At work too, you might notice that you’re getting in your own way. Maybe you keep putting things off or you avoid uncertain situations. “It’s less embarrassing to not achieve your goals when you’re self-sabotaging than to not achieve your goals when you’re trying you’re best,” says Paul. The idea that ‘at least you did your best’ often doesn’t do a lot to make you feel better. Fortunately, many things might help us to achieve our goals and dreams.
How to avoid self-sabotage
1. Become aware of it
Self-sabotage is often unconscious. That’s why it’s important to become aware of your thoughts, feelings and behaviours, as well as your triggers. In which situations do you notice that you’re sabotaging yourself? What is happening in those moments?
Maybe you notice that you’re constantly looking for a distraction or that you often delay things. Become aware of the thoughts and feelings that come up and write them down.
2. Embrace uncertainty and failure
Self-sabotage often stems from fear — fear of uncertainty and fear of failure. You sabotage yourself unconsciously because you’re afraid. Learning to manage difficult emotions, such as rejection, disappointment, failure and uncertainty can help to reduce self-sabotage.
3. Make a plan
Make a plan to achieve your goals and turn your dreams into a reality. A clear plan can help you to stay focused and motivate you to keep going, even when your inner saboteur crops up.
4. Take small steps
Often, we have such high expectations for ourselves that we already know we’re not going to meet them. It’s as if we want to fail. Instead of adjusting our expectations, we decide that we’re the problem: “What did I tell you, I can’t do it.”
By starting small, we show ourselves that we can. This way we build self-confidence and can slowly work towards our goals without becoming overwhelmed.
Setting small, attainable goals can help here. If a goal is too big, it often creates (too much) tension and quickly feels unattainable. A smaller, more specific goal gives us confidence that we can achieve our goals.
5. Seek out an accountability partner
An accountability partner can help you to keep going at times when your inner saboteur comes to the surface. It’s great if the other person doesn’t exhibit the same self-sabotaging behaviours as you. Otherwise, you might end up helping each other to sabotage, and obviously, you want to avoid that.
Maybe you know somebody who already goes to Pilates three times a week or somebody who gets up early every morning. You know that this person can help you. In return, you may be able to help this person with something else.
6. Talk about it
You’re not the only one with an inner saboteur. Do you feel like you’re getting in your own way? Then talk to someone about it. Other people might be able to help you see why you are self-sabotaging and can share their own experiences. As well as speaking to someone you know, it might also help to have a conversation with a psychologist.
Each day is a new day
A new year often feels like a new beginning — a moment to finally make those changes we’ve been looking to make for a while. But we don’t always need to wait for a new year (or a new month) to achieve our goals and make our dreams come true. Know that you can take the first step at any time. And if you don’t manage it today, know that tomorrow is always a new day.
Interested to find out how an OpenUp psychologist can help you here? Book an introductory consultation.
