A Psychologist Explains: How Do You Recognise Red Flags in a Relationship?

You spot something that feels off: a comment, a reaction, a silence that lingers a bit too long, but you’re not sure if it’s a red flag or just a rough patch. Should you be worried? Red flags in a relationship are warning signs that suggest unhealthy or toxic behaviour, which can lead to emotional distress or harm. Whether you’re dating someone new or in a long-term relationship, spotting these red flags isn’t always easy, especially when emotions can easily cloud your judgment.

Red flags can be particularly hard to spot if you’re viewing things through rose-tinted glasses, have normalised this kind of behaviour from past experiences, or don’t realise what a healthy relationship should look like. Red flags can emerge at any stage of a relationship, whether you’re noticing them in the early stages of dating or with a long-term partner. They often leave you feeling confused, emotionally drained, or even guilty for speaking up. Understanding these flags in a relationship can help you set boundaries, navigate dating, and protect your emotional well-being.

In this guide, psychologist Judith Klenter explains how to identify common red flags in a relationship and what to do when you spot them.

What Are Red Flags in a Relationship?

A red flag is a warning sign that signals potential issues in a relationship, says psychologist Judith. “A red flag is behaviour that indicates that a (potential) partner may not be right for you. This could include anything from dishonesty to manipulative tendencies. For example, if someone constantly talks about an ex-partner on the first date, it might indicate that they’re not emotionally available.”

But are these flags in a relationship the same for everyone? Yes and no, Judith explains. “There are some universal red flags, things like violent behaviour, excessive jealousy, controlling tendencies, or any actions that indicate manipulation or emotional abuse. These are behaviours that should always be taken seriously.”

At the same time, not all red flags are universal. What one person sees as a problem might not be an issue for someone else. “In a monogamous relationship, it’s a red flag if your partner is on a dating app, but in a polyamorous relationship, you may have agreed to this. ”Red flags can appear at any stage of a relationship, whether you’re just starting to date someone or have been together for years. Recognising common red flags early can help you avoid unhealthy patterns and protect your emotional well-being. If certain behaviours make you feel guilty, drained, or uncomfortable, it’s important to take them seriously and assess whether they align with your values and boundaries.

When or How Do Red Flags Arise?

A red flag can arise at any point in a relationship. Some are present from the very beginning, though they might not be noticeable at first. Others develop over time as behaviour changes, often due to stress, external pressures, or shifting dynamics within the relationship. 

Judith adds: “Relationships are constantly changing, because people are constantly changing. In relationships that end in abuse, it is often the case that this only happens at a later stage in the relationship and not during the so-called honeymoon phase.” This is exactly why it is extremely challenging for people who experience abuse in their relationship to talk about it. 

“Chances are that the person being abused thinks: it’s probably a phase, it will get better soon,” Judith explains. And so weeks, months, or sometimes years can pass before someone asks for support or help. And unfortunately, sometimes an abused person never asks for help. This is why recognising red flags, such as aggressive behaviour, controlling tendencies, or constantly making you feel guilty is crucial. The earlier they are acknowledged, the better the chances of finding help and support.

Which 20 Red Flags Do You Definitely Not Want to Ignore?

1. Being Dishonest

Trust is the foundation of any relationship. If your partner regularly lies, whether about small things or significant issues, it can create an unstable and emotionally draining dynamic. Even small lies, like hiding text messages from an ex-partner or lying about their whereabouts, can lead to bigger lies over time.

2. Not Keeping Their Word

Broken promises and consistently unreliable behaviour indicate a lack of respect for you and your time. If they constantly say they’ll change but never follow through, or frequently cancel plans last minute, it can leave you feeling insecure and on edge.

3. Lack of Empathy

If your partner is quick to dismiss your feelings, makes fun of your emotions, or never tries to understand your perspective, you may find yourself feeling alone, even when you’re with them. A lack of empathy often means they won’t support you in difficult times, which can lead to emotional neglect. 

4. Any Kind of Abuse or Violence

Emotional, physical, or sexual abuse is never acceptable. However, many people feel guilty about speaking up or reaching out for support, often because they’re afraid of the consequences the other person might face. But your safety and well-being matter above all else, and you deserve support and safety. Abuse can look like name-calling, belittling, controlling behaviour, intimidation, threats, or physical violence. If they make you feel unsafe, humiliated, or trapped in the relationship, it’s a serious warning sign. For more information, please see Women’s Aid’s list of abusive signs to watch out for. 

5. Disrespecting Your Time

If they frequently cancel last-minute, arrive late without apologising, or expect you to fit your life around them while never compromising themselves, it shows a lack of respect. A healthy partner will value your time, not treat it as an afterthought.

6. Isolating You from Friends and Family

A controlling partner may subtly or overtly discourage you from seeing loved ones, criticise your closest friends, or guilt-trip you for making plans without them. Over time, this isolates you from your support system, making you more dependent on them. This is a classic sign of controlling behaviour.

7. Not Respecting Your Boundaries

Boundaries exist to protect your emotional, physical, and mental well-being. If they repeatedly push you into things you’re uncomfortable with, whether it’s intimacy, big decisions, or even small preferences, it’s a sign they don’t respect you as an individual. 

8. Over-Controlling Behaviour

Control can look different in every relationship. It might be dictating what you wear, who you see, what job you take, or how you spend your money. Sometimes, it starts subtly, disguised as “caring” or “protectiveness,” but over time, it can quickly chip away at your independence.

9. Inability to Resolve Conflicts Together

Disagreements are normal, but how your partner handles them matters. If they avoid tough conversations, explode in angry outbursts, or refuse to take accountability, it can make tensions escalate and worsen over time. 

10. Manipulative Behaviour (Gaslighting)

Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where someone makes you question your reality, memory, or perceptions. If your partner constantly denies things they’ve said or done, tells you “you’re overreacting,” or tells you a different version of events to make you feel like you’re imagining things, they are gaslighting you. Over time, this can erode your confidence and make you dependent on their version of events.

11. Constant Jealousy & Lack of Trust

A little jealousy is normal, but excessive control, accusations, or snooping on your phone or social media can indicate red flags of insecurity and possessiveness.  Trust makes the foundations of a healthy relationship, and a lack of it often indicates deep-rooted issues. 

12. Love Bombing

Love bombing happens when someone overwhelms you with excessive affection, gifts, or flattery in the early stages of a relationship to create dependency. While it may seem romantic, it can be a tactic to gain control. If your partner rushes into commitment quickly, makes intense declarations of love earlier than expected, or showers you with praise but later becomes manipulative or controlling, this is a major warning sign.

13. Deflecting Responsibility

A partner who constantly blames others, avoids taking responsibility for their actions, or never apologises can make you feel like you’re always at fault. This can lead to a toxic dynamic where you’re left feeling guilty for their mistakes. A healthy relationship requires both partners to take responsibility for their actions.

14. Inability to Regulate Emotions

Frequent angry outbursts, extreme mood swings, or unpredictable reactions can create an emotionally unsafe environment. If you’re constantly walking on eggshells to avoid triggering their emotions, it’s not a healthy relationship.

15. Subtle Control Tactics

Not all control is obvious. Some partners monitor your social media, make passive-aggressive comments about your friends or family, limit your financial independence, or guilt-trip you into decisions. These behaviours slowly strip away your autonomy.

16. Poor Communication (Stonewalling, Blaming, Avoiding Apologies)

A partner who refuses to discuss problems, blames you for every issue, or shuts down conversations completely (stonewalling) is not engaging in healthy communication. These behaviours make it impossible to resolve conflicts and grow as a couple.

17. Making You Responsible for Their Happiness

Your partner’s well-being should not depend entirely on you. If they guilt-trip you when they’re upset, rely on you to “fix” their emotions, or blame you for their unhappiness, it creates an unhealthy, codependent relationship.

18. Emotional Withdrawal & Silent Treatment

Withholding affection, ignoring you, or giving you the silent treatment during disagreements is a manipulative tactic that can leave you feeling isolated and unsure of where you stand in the relationship. This behaviour can create confusion, emotional distance, and a constant sense of walking on eggshells. Healthy relationships rely on open communication, not silence as a form of control.

19. Pushing Their Wants onto You

If your partner constantly disregards your preferences, pressures you into decisions, or always makes things about what they want, they show a lack of consideration for your autonomy. A healthy relationship is built on compromise.

20. Unaddressed Substance Abuse

If your partner struggles with addiction but refuses to acknowledge it or seek help, it can lead to emotional instability, financial issues, and neglect in the relationship. Ignoring this red flag can result in a toxic, draining dynamic.

What About Orange Flags?

Not everything is always black and white. There are also orange flags, or intermediate cases. Orange flags fall between yellow and red flags, they are more serious warning signs that indicate deeper issues but might not yet be deal-breakers. 

Judith says: “With orange flags, it’s important to keep an eye on whether they become red flags or not.” Think of a partner who is very clingy at first. “Maybe it’s just infatuation and that person wants to spend a lot of time with you, but if this turns into isolation from others or if they make you feel guilty about spending time with others, it’s a red flag.” Unlike yellow flags, orange flags often involve repeated patterns of concerning behaviour rather than one-off incidents. They might not be outright toxic yet, but they could develop into red flags if not addressed.

A Quick Note on Yellow Flags

Not every behaviour is strictly good or bad, some fall into a grey area known as yellow flags. Yellow flags are minor concerns or inconsistencies that may not be serious but shouldn’t be ignored. A yellow flag might be something that feels slightly off, such as inconsistencies in communication, mild jealousy, or emotional immaturity, which could resolve over time or escalate into a more serious issue. They don’t necessarily indicate toxicity, but they might point to potential challenges in the relationship. With communication and self-awareness, yellow flags can often be addressed.

Why Don’t We Always See Red Flags?

Spotting red flags is important, yet it is not always obvious. For example, you may have accepted a red flag and waved it away with, “That’s just the way the person is.” In addition, the first few months of falling in love can cloud your judgement. “It is quite normal to idealise or romanticise someone in your mind in the first months,” Judith explains. “You mainly see the positive traits and pay less attention to the (potential) red flags at this stage.”

One common red flag to watch out for is love bombing, when someone overwhelms you with constant gifts, compliments, and affection, creating an intense and seemingly perfect relationship. While this may feel flattering, it is often a tactic used in a toxic relationship to establish control. Over time, this excessive devotion can make you feel guilty for questioning their behaviour, even when it becomes manipulative or even abusive. Love bombing blinds individuals to red flags by encouraging dependency and making it harder to set boundaries or walk away.

If you are finding it hard to recognise (or admit) that there are red flags in your relationship, remember that this is normal. After all, you are with your partner for a reason; you love them. It is perfectly natural not to perceive every negative trait as a problem.“But if you notice a negative trait, it is good to reflect on whether or not this is a red flag. Check whether this behaviour has happened more often without you noticing it. Discuss it with your friends or someone you trust to gain some more clarity on the situation,” emphasises Judith. Sometimes, someone outside the relationship can spot a red flag more clearly than you can.

How Do You Talk About it Together?

How and whether you talk about a red flag depends on how heavily it is weighing you down. Keep in mind that everyone has different boundaries and needs, and some red flags may be more of an orange flag for someone else. 

Judith recommends: “If you feel that something is not right and you want to discuss this, bring it to the table from your own point of view. For example, don’t use extreme terms, such as toxic or the word red flag itself. Instead, share how you feel. How does the other person’s behaviour affect you?”

Here are some ways to phrase your concerns constructively: 

• “When this happens, I feel [emotion]. I’d really like us to find a way to handle this differently together.”
• “I value our relationship, and I want to make sure we both feel heard. Can we talk about this?”
• “I’ve noticed that when [specific action] happens, I start to feel [emotion]. Can we figure out a way to navigate this better?”

For example: “If you don’t communicate with me all day after an argument, it makes me very insecure, and I start to worry a lot. Can we talk about how to handle conflicts in the future?”

And What About Green Flags?

While red flags signal toxic behaviours, green flags indicate a relationship that is safe, supportive, and emotionally fulfilling. These are the signs of a healthy relationship where both partners feel comfortable, respected, and valued.

According to TherapistAid, some key green flags in a relationship include:

💚 Being able to be yourself: You feel comfortable expressing your true self without fear of judgment or criticism.

💚 Respecting each other’s boundaries: Your partner listens when you set a boundary, whether it’s about personal space, emotional needs, or intimacy.

💚 Space for individual goals and interests: A healthy relationship allows both people to pursue their passions and friendships without guilt or pressure.

💚 Mutual physical and emotional connection: There’s a natural balance of affection, intimacy, and emotional closeness, with both partners contributing. 

💚 Words and actions match: Your partner follows through on promises, and their behaviour aligns with what they say. You don’t feel confused or notice inconsistency in their behaviours.

💚 Taking responsibility for individual actions: Both people hold themselves accountable for mistakes, communicate openly, and apologise when necessary.

💚 Understanding each other’s perspectives (even if you disagree): Disagreements are handled with respect, patience, and a willingness to listen rather than trying to constantly “win” an argument.

💚 Respecting each other’s wants and needs: You both prioritise each other’s well-being, considering one another’s feelings in decision-making.

💚 Being able to openly discuss goals, values, and needs: You can talk about your future, your beliefs, and your expectations without fear of rejection or avoidance.

💚 Commitment to the relationship: Both partners invest time and energy into making the relationship work, rather than one person doing all the emotional labour.

💚 Respecting each other (and being able to express it): Kindness, admiration, and appreciation are expressed regularly, making both people feel valued.

💚 Balance between togetherness and independence: Time spent together is fulfilling, but you also feel energised and supported when apart. There’s no pressure to be attached at the hip.

Next Steps

Remember, your safety and mental well-being should always come first, love should never make you feel fearful, anxious, or unworthy. It’s natural to want to believe in the best in someone, but a healthy relationship is built on respect, trust, and emotional security. If you recognise red flags, trust your instincts. You are not alone, and support is available through loved ones, professionals, and organisations that care.