Want to discover your values? 🧭 🗺️ Read more here: How to Live Your Values (and Learn More About Yourself in the Process)
Meeting the expectations of others
Factors such as your personality, your upbringing and the culture you grew up in affect and shape your values.
Therein lies the conflict we often experience: we are sensitive to the people around us. On the one hand,our choices in life are guided by our values, yet on the one hand, we are influenced by the expectations of those around us. And those expectations may not necessarily match our values.
It is not surprising that we want to adhere to our own values, but also social norms. As psychologist Paul Hessels puts it: “Humans are social beings. It is one of our basic needs to ‘belong’: by not falling outside the group, we increase our chance of survival.” And some people are more sensitive to external expectations than others.
Adapting your choices to the norms and expectations of those around you is known as conformity.
Paul explains: “This doesn’t even have to be the overt influence of others – someone saying ‘you should do this or that’ – but can also manifest as a subconscious, more subtle influence on your beliefs and choices.” For example: you see many peers and friends working full-time for one boss or looking to buy a house, and adopt that as a life goal – while your own values may lie more in flexibility, adventure, and independence.
The difference between values and goals
Do you ever feel that you are only concerned with achieving milestones in life? Society’s expectations often consist of goals rather than values, for example, finding a well-paying job, owning a nice house, looking good, and being in a happy relationship.
Goals are about things you want to achieve in the future, the ‘output.’ And they depend not only on yourself, but also on your circumstances, opportunities, and others.
On the contrary, values lie with yourself and exist in the here and now: they are the ‘input’ for your behaviour and choices.
“Many people learn from their upbringing and environment that a happy life consists of achieving a number of fixed goals. Only you don’t achieve a long-term sense of fulfilment in life by achieving goals, but rather by acting on your values over and over again,” says Paul.
“That doesn’t mean you should stop setting goals. Goals are motivating and can be very satisfying if you achieve them. But once you choose goals in line with your values, you will find that in addition to the destination, you will also enjoy the road towards it more.”
🎥 To see the difference between being goal-driven and value-driven in action? Watch this YouTube video: Values vs. Goals
Know that you are allowed to change course
Adapting to your environment can positively connect you to peers, and help you feel accepted and protected.
However, ask yourself whether the choices you make suit you, rather than adhering to the wishes of others.
Conforming can create internal conflict once you let other people’s expectations determine your choices in life, particularly if your personal values are far from the expectations of people around you. As Paul puts it: “Then it can feel like you are living someone else’s life, like you are passively living instead of actively living. You lack fulfilment and a sense of control.”
Are you more concerned with reaching your final destination than enjoying the journey? Or does it feel like the people around you don’t understand you?
Then it’s time to take a hard look at your values!👇
Below, we explore how to restore the balance between your values and the expectations of those around you.
6 practical steps to help you live more by your values
1. Examine your values
The first step to living in accordance with your values is knowing what those values are. If you still need to list them, read our article on how to find out what is important to you in life.
- When defining your values, keep in mind that they may vary by stage of life and by your primary focus (work, personal, social); so keep exploring your values and, if you find your values are different to those around you, practice getting better at choosing yourself.
2. Set a clear goal
To give your personal values more space in your life and to communicate them to the people around you, it helps to make a clear plan:
🧭 Which values do you not spend as much time on as you would like (perhaps because you are more concerned with your goals or the expectations of others)?
🧭 Choose one area of life that you think is most important right now. Set a concrete goal for how you want to express your values.
For example, in your personal life: taking music lessons, trying a new sport, saving for a trip; at work work: taking a course, starting your own business; and in your social life: volunteering, meeting new people or spending more time with your family.
🧭 Consider what your daily life would look like if you made more space for those values.
How many hours per day or week do you want to devote? What tools or investments do you need? What will change in your schedule? What other things might you have to give up?
3. Add more personal values gradually
Living more according to your values is a gradual process. You don’t have to change your life overnight, because defining your personal values takes time and effort. Don’t rush the process, because a sudden turnaround can cause a clash in your schedule and affect your relationships with others.
What you can do, however, is take small steps. Psychologist Paul says: “We face many choices and challenges every day, these are good times to put your values into practice. Start practicing by asking yourself “What do I want now?”, “What do I think is important? – even in everyday situations such as choosing whether to go for dinner or take time for yourself.”
Also interesting 🛑 Do you find it hard to say ‘no’? Here’s how to learn effective boundary-setting
4. Prepare for the pitfalls
Being less influenced by the expectations of others is trial and error. When your values do not match those around you, it is often easier to do or say what is the norm.
And that’s okay. Just by realising that it takes practice, you lower the threshold to make choices that fit what you stand for more often.
So prepare yourself for the obstacles you may encounter while trying to live a more value-driven life: